Monday, November 30, 2015

Did you "come back"?

Biggest mistake I made more than a few times was "coming back."  
"Coming back" after a Holiday, life-changing moments and milestones, sickness, vacation...
If it slightly took me off of the routine, it seems like I was gone forever, or so it felt.  
 I had waited a long time to find the "perfect" moment to make a change and as soon as those ideal situations would pass, I'd have an excuse to quit once again. 
I was really good at justifying it as well...If my excuse was a headache, mine was the worst headache in the entire world, if it was a swollen ankle, mine was THE worst swollen ankle EVER...and if it was as simple as a doctor's appointment, whew then that excuse was EASY...
you get the idea! 

At my heaviest I felt lousy and out of control most days.  
But when I first started losing weight, exercising and eating BETTER (not great!) I noticed an emotional change almost immediately.  I wasn't my tired, lazy self and I was finally understanding what it was like to feel good.  Wow.  Should have been easy for me to "come back" after marriage, kids, full time jobs...but instead it was a way to make another excuse.

The moment something pulled me away from that strict routine, I'd fall off and found it so difficult to "come back" EVEN THOUGH I knew I felt better when I treated myself right, it still wasn't enough to keep me motivated and on the right track...crazy, isn't it?
Even when I first became a Mom, you'd think that was enough to motivate me for life but sadly, it wasn't.  Seems like I allowed it to hold me back even more...
I was "too busy" and "too focused" on everyone else that I let myself slip back into my old ways very quickly.  


 When I'd eat crappy, I felt awful.  When I ate right and balanced, I felt on top of the World!

What kept me from "coming back"?  I still don't know.  
Guess it was just easier to make excuses and keep things the way that they were.  I mean, it's not like my weight was altering my every day life, it was what covered me up from people seeing the real me.  The weight comforted me and kept me safe so maybe I wanted that more than I wanted to be healthy?  Who knows.  

Change is NEVER easy.  
And honestly I liked easy.  Easy was what I did best.  Easy was what I knew.  If something was difficult, I'd quit.  If I felt threatened, I'd quit.  If I was afraid, I'd run.  So maybe I feared letting go of the EASY life I had grown to love.  But that fear was now getting in the way of my health and day to day living...THAT is a problem.  
My body was trying to tell me but I ignored it for a long time.  I urge you to listen when your body is talking to you.  Take care of yourself no matter what.  
Don't let fear or intimidation keep you from achieving what you want.  

I was powerless as long as I gave myself no power.  Powerless as long as I didn't truly believe I could.  Powerless because I hadn't made up my mind to BE BETTER and DO BETTER!!!  



Seems like the Holidays were ALWAYS so tough.  Food, family and friends everywhere, a celebration every weekend and lots of cookies, carbs and mindless eating!

That disgusted feeling, the bloat, the burping and bowel issues would all follow those horrible meals yet hours later I'd find myself repeating those SAME habits knowing I wasn't even HUNGRY!!!!  Oh it angers me that I'd do that so often.  EVEN if I had done better in months past, I'd quickly relapse by simply seeing that junk food, the power and control it had on me.  So the "coming back" was much worse...
I'd try to jump back on the wagon, get outside and go for a jog but I felt so sick to my stomach and so incredibly tired and bloated, I wouldn't get very far and would come home and "reward" myself with more food...ugh!

The craziest is how alone I felt when I'd binge.
I was SUCH a social person...always have been and always will be.  I love being around people!  I've always been the "more the merrier" kind of person and I love that about me.  
I get along with most people because I'm easy going, I like to have fun and I love meeting and making new friends!  It makes me happy just as my family makes me SO incredibly happy so how it is that I felt so alone when I'd eat?  Tough question and I'm not sure I have a solid answer.  Maybe because when I'd eat, I was weak and that was a part of me I never wanted anyone to see?  I'd lose all control and the food would control my mind and that made me feel ashamed.  I'm an open book, I love being honest with family and friends because honesty matters.  I don't hide behind life or insecurities and that has made me stronger. Honesty makes some vulnerable because they don't want others to see "behind closed doors" or the "real person" but I'm the opposite, always have been so maybe my dirty little secret with food made me feel inferior because it was something I was embarrassed to share or discuss?  I'm still not sure and I'm not sure if I'll ever truly know.  

But I do know that being honest with myself about my emotional attachment to food is what helps me get through each day on my journey to my healthiest self...it makes it easier to "come back" each and every day! 



"COMING BACK" means something totally different these days.
  
I never leave, therefore it's never an option to have to COME BACK.

I make up my mind that if I have a poor meal or one that's not so balanced, then I step it up with the meals that follow, I make sure I get lots of movement, drink plenty of water and do better the rest of the time!  I balance my healthy choices with my not so healthy choices...
I would not survive the Holidays or any time of year on chicken and lettuce...TRUST ME!  

I'm Cajun and Italian, it's simply not possible...hahaha!  

What keeps me focused?  
That awful feeling I'd feel after eating poorly and trying to exercise.  
The feeling I'd get after eating more than one "bad" meal...the achy, the bloat, the tiredness, the doubt and the pity.  It's just NOT worth it to me any longer...simple as that!  
Knowing that those poor choices started reflecting on my health rather quickly and it was scary.  Knowing I was in my early 20's and having health issues most deal with in their 60's was frightening.  Scary enough that it helped me find the strength and determination to 
CHANGE THE PATH OF MY LIFE!  

I guess you could say there's no need to "come back" anymore because I was "gone" long enough!  I was SICK AND TIRED of living a life of 
"Oh I wish..." and 
"If I was healthy..." and 
"One day when I lose weight..."


So if Thanksgiving was not only filled with memories and happy moments but lots of poor food choices and little exercise...it's not too late to "COME BACK!" 
Sure the first workout will be tough, but after that it gets easier and you get better...

Then when you find balance with food AND exercise-you really start to feel better, 
so much better!  
It's okay to hit a bump in the road, as long as you keep "COMING BACK" and never give up!


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