Wednesday, October 15, 2014

the HOLE

My husband and I met almost 14 years ago.  We fell in love and as time passed, we gained weight together.  Looking back, we had gained weight by giving up on exerise and our health...just like that.  We found love, what else did we need? Funny how that happens so quickly after working SO hard.  I had worked HARD and threw it all away...
going back a bit- For the first two years that we dated, I refused to eat out.  Our dates were at the movies, the local sports bar or hanging out with mutual friends because I would NOT enter a restaurant.  AT ALL.  
How sad was that?
You see, I was always one extreme or the other, it seemed like.  If I was heavy and not "dieting", I was binging on fattening food and indulging eery chance I'd get.  If I was "dieting" and losing weight then it was no restaurants, no seasonings, no carbs, NO NOTHING.  I had NO clue how to find balance...it was all or nothing for me.  It was all I knew.  EVEN after studying health and nutrition, my mind was more powerful than the knowledge of what was fact.  I knew what was right and what was balanced but it seemed like those rules would never apply for me...I was different.  Those book and professors couldn't possibly understand wha it was like to struggle with emotional eating and weight problems.  NO WAY.  
So As time passed, I became comfortable...as most couples do and the weight started slowly creeping back.  THE first restaurant we went to with friends was okay, I managed to order my "diet food " and move on...but the next?  NOT SO PRETTY.  I binged.  I kept eating and eatng...and eating.  And he did too (most men do!) and that made me feel okay with it, ya know?  I mean we were already in love, he knew all of me but he didn't know this.  I hadn't shown him the compulsive eater I could be, but now he knew and he accepted it?  Yay.  
After that it became the norm.  Friday nights were for Mexican food together.  We'd eat enough chips and queso to feed 20 people and then fajitas piled high with cheese and sour cream...and don't forget the beer!  
I guess you get the idea of where things went from there?  I gained quite a bit of weight-but kept it somewhat in control and I'd go through spurts.  I'd workout for a while, eat and cook healthy but seemed like one bad meal would trigger a total loss of control for MONTHS...
So today while at boot camp, I was speaking to a friend about frustrations of losing weight and gaining it back...and then some.  A story I know all too well.  I did it MANY times but each time it left me feeling the same...empty and like a failure.  Ugh.  She expressed that she felt the same.  "Look how far I had come years ago, losing all that weight and now I'm right back where I started, only 20lbs heavier".  Been there?  I know her and I are not alone.  Even if it's not regarding weight loss but thinking of a time in your life when you were a competitive athlete, a runner, when you were at your healthiest....same feeling of failure, right?Any feeling of "we aren't where we used to be" would fit this description.  
She had a very valid point so I had to quickly think about how I deal with that same thought of failure and the BIG mountain I have to climb all over again...I had to think about why when we have set backs in life, do we not totally give up on ourselves.  

I told her for me it was like a hole.  

The hole I used to dig for myself. That hole I'd create each time I'd gain the weight I had worked so hard to lose.  Each time I was working out and was on a roll, but that little bump sent me back where I had started meant that hole grew deeper and it felt like the larger the hole, the more I'd want to crawl inside it.  

I'd live in that hole, in secret mostly.  It was where I felt safe. It was the hole I cried in, where I wrapped my emotions into my foods and where I THOUGHT about how badly I wanted to change but would never actually change.  It was where I could be true with myself.  While in public, I'd put on the front-the "it's okay that I'm unhealthy, nobody is perfect right?"
As I started to slowly climb out of that hole, I started to see and feel a new way of life.  I was still ME but a different, much happier, full of life ME.  It felt amazing...

**So back to my husband and I and our Friday night binges together...
I found myself sinking back into that hole. Little by little I lost sight of what I wanted so badly. 

It was when I realized that my "bigger" clothes weren't quite so BIG that I started fighting back again...and slowly.
Instead of feeling sorry for myself for allowing myself to take two steps back, I said okay it's time for TWO STEPS FORWARD!  
I realize that it feels better to slowly climb out of the hole than to sink and hide in it. Make sense?  
So instead of looking back on where I WAS I think about not letting that hole bury me.  It was going to get worse, wasn't it?  I mean we can't eat unhealthy, never exercise or take care of ourselves and just expect to have perfect health right? That hole would have only grown bigger and deeper...pulling me down with it.  
By not allowing my health to hide me and take over my life, I proved to myself that I can and will fight back...a million times again! 
I think as people with a goal in mind, weight loss or whatever...if it seems like that mountain is TOO big, we just cilmb down.  But instead we should focus on climbing out of the hole we've created.  We are meant to make mistakes-it's how we learn and help others.  BUT we are not meant to QUIT.  Not meant to GIVE UP or STOP TRYING.  

and it's also very important to surround yourself with those people that want you happy and healthy.  DO NOT surround yoursself with those that are only out for themselves...they will not lift you up when you need them most.  Trust me.  
What are your thoughts on climbing out of the hole rather than climbing the mountain?  

1 comment:

jillconyers said...

Never give up! I'm learning how to not dig the hole again. It won't be perfect by any means but just maybe the hole will be more shallow.

Great post as always.

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