Monday, May 4, 2015

that road.

For each of us the path is different.  
 I've met many women that have found health issues and concerns with their weight and body image as adults...finding that they can't continue with their 18 year old lifestyle in their 40's so they seek change.  Others struggled with yo-yo dieting.  Some never thought about exercise until things started moving toward gravity with age...each of us have a different story to tell.
For me, it's been tough since the beginning...
Seemed like diets and "wanting" to lose weight were a part of my life for as long as I can remember.  I was always going to "start Monday" and make changes.  I'd set big goals only to fall short and lose confidence in myself time and time again.  I'd admire cute clothes and bathing suits but always knew those clothes "weren't made for me".  

I was a good friend.  The one others turned to for advice, a good laugh or because they knew I always had plans for the next, big social event or party!  I loved that about me and still do...I thrive on social interaction with good people...something I am very proud of.  
But way back when, I remember feeling empty while surrounded by loving people.  
How could that be? 
I traveled in a group.  My closest friends were always with me and they are now like sisters to me but even while they were with me on life's big adventures, I still felt disconnected from life.  

 I LOVE to smile, laugh and have fun!  Only now I'm able to feel the joy from it completely because I am no longer riding the bench.  I live in the moment, day to day and it feels incredible. If you'd ask one thing I love most about losing the weight and getting health, that would have to be it.  I am LIVING.  I FEEL GOOD.  I spent YEARS feeling crappy.  Yes, I had aches, pains, depression, mood swings and health-related issues that kept dragging me down.  

My health and weight- It held me back from SO much.  I distinctly remember each year around January, I'd tell myself, THIS YEAR I'll finally be able to fit in regular shorts or wear a two piece bathing suit...then I'd distinctly remember around May or June, there I'd be...crying in the dressing room, picking out the ugliest, most non-revealing suit I could find.  Angry at myself for once again, not following through with something I wanted so desperately. Then there I'd be, sitting with my friends in their bikinis-watching guys talk to them, flirt with them and then there was ME.  Alone.  I'd admire their bodies, wanting so badly to close my eyes and become someone else, even if only for a second.  
So to get rid of those horrible feelings, I did what I knew best...I ate.  Ate until the pain went away.  Oh how powerful the mind can be- I treated food as a way to medicate my emotions. 

What took me years to discover?  
That the "wanting" eats away at your life, at your self-worth and makes you resent other people and push them away.  I "wanted" to change so bad.  I "wanted" to wear a bikini.  I "wanted" to not be the big girl YET I NEVER WANTED TO WORK FOR IT.  I spent SO much time "wanting" and the time was passing me by and I didn't care.  It wasn't even for the right reasons.  It was about looking a certain way but for who?  Not me.  
It felt better to feel sorry for myself and bring others down with me.  When others were with me, at my level of binge eating, complaining and feeling sorry then it was an even playing field, no competition.  How sad and pathetic, isn't it?  I look back and wonder 

Now I focus on FEELING GOOD.  I felt bad for so long that I LOVE waking up and feeling good...where most take that feeling for granted, I embrace it every day!  

For the millions of times I quit on ME, 
it only took ONE TIME of getting it right!
I was changed forever...
I am changed forever.  

I do it for me.
I do it for my family.
I do it to feel GOOD.
I do it for my health.
I want to LIVE rather than watch others...
I want to experience all that life has to offer with the people I love most and the best way I can do that is by taking care of myself, putting my health as a priority and spreading my experiences in hopes that I may help CHANGE just a few lives along the way...
If I've done that, then I've done what I've set out to do.

I quit on myself SO many times that it almost felt good to quit.  Sad isn't it?
When we look forward to punching ourselves in the gut time and time again because we "deserve it".  That WAS my life and I hope it isn't yours or any of those around you.
Life is precious and it's not worth living THAT way.  

One day I will wake up and the entire world will be on board.  We will be fighting FOR one another rather than waiting on those around us to fail.  It will come and it will be beautiful.  There will be only healthy more sitting indoors, eating in living rooms and playing electronic devices...THINGS WILL BE DIFFERENT!  

All children and adults deserve to feel good and if we give up on the ones that have already given up on themselves, then we won't change anything.  
We ALL deserve a chance to change, a chance at living.  So next time you see an overweight person TRYING...instead of walking on, give them a pat on the back and encourage them.  It may be the ONE thing they need to keep going...then you had a hand in changing their life for the better and THAT FEELING is how we'll change the world, together!  

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