COMPETITIVE?

Last night I found myself in complete meltdown mode over my son's baseball game...

EEEK, yes.

My 7 year olds Little League Baseball game.

Pathetic, right?

          My two, handsome and healthy boys

My 7 year old is quite the hitter and a great first baseman.  He's a shy guy and has come so far since his days in t-ball!  We are proud of EVERYTHING that he does.  EVERY thing!  Our four year old NEVER meets a stranger but looks up to his big brother so much.  They are our life.
We wake up every day thinking of ways to make their lives the best they can be and how we can teach them about respecting others, helping others, being healthy and living life to the fullest.  

They are beyond great kids and while I could go on and on about how darn incredible they are, I need to talk about me and my competitive behavior last night :(
I am team mom which with our league means we usually run the dugout, get the kids ready to bat, control their behavior and make sure things stay orderly throughout the game.  The chaos reminds me of teaching PE so of course I volunteer every season!  Ha!  
Last night my son was doing great and made an out playing 1st!  
I was SO proud, yelling from the dugout!  
He went up the bat and struck out.  That's okay, it happens.  
Second at bat...
strikes out again.
Third...
STRIKE OUT.
Fourth...
STRIKE OUT.
Now while this is not a big deal and seriously petty when we look at life as a whole but at the moment, I was getting frustrated.  
I'm always honest...
In my defense (ha, if I have one?), he's usually knocking the ball to the fence!  A great ballplayer and he knows it.  
Why was I SO frustrated?  He wasn't trying.
I could see the look in his eyes.  And as mom's we make excuses to place the blame on others...it was the machine, he was too far from the plate, and blah blah blah!  
Fact was, he wasn't "in" it.  
But for me, it was so much more than that.

As a child, teen and young adult...I was very fond and fabulous at quitting EVERYTHING that I started.  I would feel defeated and BOOM! give up.  

I was great at this technique when it came to healthy eating, losing weight, exercise and sports. You name it, I failed at it and then quit.

Guess quitting was always easier.  

We never want to admit failure and sometimes it's easier to blame others and move on.  

Oh that was me.  

My weight was my dad's fault for leaving.  My weight was because my parents were divorced and I always felt inferior to my friends who's parents were happily married...ya know, they had "normal" families.  I wasn't great at soccer because I was heavy and I definitely couldn't run in PE because of some awful issue that was a lie that I made up on my way to school that day.  I couldn't exercise because my back hurt, stomach hurt or had a bad toe....oh the list goes on and on.  

It's shameful and makes me cry but I am sharing because I want people to see just how weak I had allowed myself to become.  I formed my own, little web of shame and lived there comfortably for years.  I NEVER want that for my children...EVER.  

Every day since changing my life it is a struggle to bury that old self deep within and never find her again.  I am strong.  I don't let excuses rule my life and I want to help others that are trapped in their own troubles to find the strength to do the same.  It's my passion.  However...

I am now fairly sure that I'm being a little hard on my boys because of MY issues.  
That is NOT FAIR TO THEM.  
My boys have talent, they are healthy and they try hard with all that they do.   
We can ask nothing more of them than to try their best and NEVER QUIT!  And most of the time, we do!  We give these boys opportunities we never had, we take them places and on adventures as often as possible so they are able to soak up all that life has to offer 

but last night...
For a glimpse, I saw myself in my son last night in the batters box.  It's almost like he stopped seeing himself and just stared into space and swung the bat.  That felt like me.  I became stressed and lashed out.  Nothing crazy BUT way too much for 7 year old baseball, that's for sure :(  
I'm ashamed of that.
Our insecurities are our own.  We should never share those or compare those with others.  
I know that and I feel terrible for the way I acted last night.  I was so upset with him over a baseball game.  A baseball game...
It's like that saying I always use to talk about the people that don't want us to succeed...
something like, If people talk about you it says little about you and more about them.
YES.
Just as it isn't right to judge others from the outside looking in.
It's not okay for me to use my own insecurities and old demons to control the way my children choose to live.  
Of course I want success for them.  They are my life and I never want them to fail or do poorly.
But in life we do fail.
And that's okay.
It's how we pick ourselves up and keep trying after the failure that make us strong and great!

As for me, I snuggled my boys all night!  Told them they were my world and they woke this morning eating a Snickers bar!  LOL!  Figured why not?  They were in shock that Mommy let them split a Snickers for an after breakfast snack!  And I am still in shock over allowing it Haha! 
My lesson is LEARNED.
I will control myself and understand that I need to let them fail and pick themselves up and keep trying on their own.  I can support and be their biggest fan which I will always be but I will no longer allow MY issues to interfere with their lives...EVER.  
I have learned this through teaching them about healthy living.  At first I wanted NO junk food in the house and on and on...but we must teach them to be in control.  Moderation and they need to learn for themselves that a Snickers every day for breakfast isn't okay but for a "treat"...well, why not?  
My husband and I spent a long time learning how to practice moderation without overindulging and I have confidence that our boys have learned from the best :)  
hahaha, maybe not the best but pretty close??!  



and I'll share a few, post-tummy bug foods that have been helping me gain strength yet stay on track!  Nothing like the good 'ol stomach bug to get ya right beneath your "goal weight" right?!  
WOOHOO!  

Oats with Trader Joe's berry medley and a sprinkle of cinnamon 
Mmmmm!

Terra Grains sprouted bread!  Highly recommend, it's delicious!
With PB & a little strawberry jam
with apple slices
Simple and delicious!  Took 2 minutes so what's not to love about this one