Monday, September 8, 2014

compared to what?

Some of my favorite moments at my boot camp classes are after we push HARD and we just sit and chat...sometimes it gets serious about our frustrations within ourselves...and we all listen.  

I voiced my frustrations about the image I have of myself when I look into the mirror.  YES there are far bigger, more important issues in this world but for me, liking what I see can be such a huge obstacle for me every day.  

For me when I see the flaws, it makes me emotional which makes me want to eat...see the cycle?  

Saturday before a fun night with friends, I started trying on clothes...ugh!  This has NEVER been fun for me...ever.  I'd rather stay in workout clothes-where I feel comfortable and in my element. Putting on "real" clothes is such a battle within myself.  
First of all, I am a size 4 and a S in most shirts these days but I like to buy a size 6 and wear a M so it's all baggy and I look ridiculous.  WHY?  Who knows.  Yes I work my butt off and am dang proud of that BUT it's almost as if I never see THAT girl when I look into the mirror.  Sure I see success and I'm proud of my hard work and results but I truly believe that I don't see what others see.  So I proceeded to rip myself apart and the more clothes I tried, the more I cried.  

My husband tells me every day how great I look, how beautiful I am and how far I've come BUT do I truly believe it or see that in myself?  I'm just not sure.  
I preach to these women every day about loving ourselves, being proud of what we do but I can't take my own advice?   
I judge none of those women but can tear myself apart in seconds...
The saddest?  I am comparing myself to WHAT?  TO WHO?
With my whole heart I want these women to be HEALTHY, to feel great and conquer their goals but as I move forward in my journey, my mind holds me back from being proud of who I am...
that's sad to me.  How am I able to build their confidence when I struggle to work on my own?
Knowing I wasn't alone was assuring but I don't want these women feeling down on themselves either...we must come together, embrace our strengths and weaknesses and move forward...a little every day and we WILL, TOGETHER!  

Then we started speaking about daughters.  
I don't have one but I listened and could relate too well.
While these ladies know their daughters are beautiful and they tell them every day, these girls beat themselves down but why?  WHO are they comparing themselves to?  
Perfection?  What is that??  
They are fat, ugly, short, tall or thin?  SAYS WHO??  

One of my Momma's is a cancer survivor...well, several are and they are incredible, inspiring women!  As we talked, she said to me that the moment she was diagnosed it wasn't about tall, skinny or pretty, it was about HEALTHY.  She'd look around and no longer saw beautiful women, only women that didn't have cancer.  She saw women that weren't sick as she was and became jealous.  (Yes, that's how deep and honest we get post-workout most's incredible and helps us relate in SO many ways.) She put it into perspective as well as made me feel shallow for ripping myself apart over a shirt making me look awful :(  but she was RIGHT.  
As women WHAT standard makes us pretty, tall, skinny, beautiful or fat?
It should be important to be HEALTHY.  Period.  All shapes and sizes...HEALTHY.  
Our bodies are strong, they want to be worked and pushed so why not be satisfied with knowing we are doing the best we can do, working hard to be HEALTHY!
It IS enough!
I believe that the years of struggling and being overweight played tricks on me.  I saw far worse than others did.  I felt like every person I'd see wanted to say I was fat so I'd make conversation, make them laugh and distract their thoughts?  Wow, that's crazy isn't it?  I'm not sure why I always thought people were thinking, "Wow she's fat" because although it may have crossed their minds, I'm quite positive it wasn't the only thing they were thinking while talking to me..." CRAZY how our minds can control almost every aspect of our life and turn it from positive to negative in a matter of seconds.  It built a wall around me and I have worked since 2001 to knock that wall down with a vengeance!  And I have no doubt that I will, in time.  My journey is never ending but I feel that if we only share the positive aspects of getting healthy then we aren't giving the full story of what it's like.  We must understand that ALL steps require work and if you're willing to put in the work, the reward is ALWAYS worth it and then some. 

This is why the journey is SO important.  All parts of it.  Losing the weight is small in comparison to what needs work on the INSIDE.  This slow process has changed my life and the more I am real and honest with myself, the better things will be.  I am grateful for that and for YOU my readers that allow me to speak the truth and tell my story and experiences to hopefully help others as well.  

I vow to work on you struggle with this?

1 comment:

jillconyers said...

Love this! Shared. Everyone should read it!

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