Sunday, February 26, 2012

frustrated.

If there's one thing that I try to share with my family, friends and readers
We must find a workout that we love doing.  We must enjoy it, or why do it?  Right?
We must commit to change.  Commit to wanting a healthier way of life.  
I am so happy to have found a love for running, however...

I guess I shouldn't be frustrated with my 10K finish, but the reality is that I am.
I am being hard on myself and am not happy with my pace, EVER.
Looking at the race results from yesterday, it looks like this...
chip time: 1:10:44 
First 5K 34:25 
Second 36:19
Avg. pace per mile 11:22
During the race, I felt confident.  I was having fun.  Enjoying the race, although I really pushed myself harder than I had in the half marathon.  I wanted to beat that pace from the half marathon and redeem myself.
Wait a minute, "redeem myself" sounds like I'm competitive but the truth is, I'm really not.  I want to stay healthy. Be fit.  Reach and exceed goals that I've set for myself, that's all.  I find myself bummed as I cross the finish line every time I race.  That's bad isn't it?  I love running and don't want to stop enjoying it but I'm afraid if I keep feeling let down afterward, I'll never want to race again and that scares me.  

On the other hand, I must look at the pro's to this race and all of the others:
I did it.  I set out to do something and I finished it.
I did not give up.
I will not give up.
I had the guts to sign up, get there and go for it and that stands for something.
I know that setting these goals and doing these races is what helps me stay motivated!

I am afraid that if too much time passes without a specific workout goal in mind, I'll lose focus and slip back into my old ways.  

But the messed up part is that I want to, and love to help others but not myself?  
I always think about helping my family, friends and my readers reach their weight loss goals! To help them find a passion for healthy living and change their lives.  But what about me?
I have major body image issues and never feel quite confident in my own skin.
My husband thinks I'm beautiful.  He says I'm the most beautiful woman in the world :)
so, what's my problem??
Do I still see that "fat girl"?  NO.
But I don't feel beautiful.  I feel "big".  I am 5'10", large frame and have never and will never be "little".
Before I line up for a race, I tear myself down before it even begins...but why?  
I know in my heart, I can run.  I can do it and I will finish.  So, why so much doubt?

I don't know the answers to these questions that I'm asking myself right now,
but I do know that tomorrow's run will carry a lot of soul searching...A LOT!
Hmm, I'm thinking no music.
Just myself and my crazy thoughts!

Do you get frustrated with your workouts and goals?  

Have you ever struggled with lack of confidence or self-esteem issues?

9 comments:

Elle said...

I think you are being so hard on yourself.

And I know that most of us do the same thing from time to time. I sure do!

I have struggled all my life with body image issues and confidence in that area.

I can only say keep saying kind, positive things to yourself and LISTEN to your husband! You ARE a beautiful strong woman.

jillconyers said...

I just blogged about this exact thing. Yes. To both of your questions. Why are we so hard on ourselves?

I've been reminding myself why I love to run. A lot of serious self talk :)

Hang in there.

Bridie said...

I have horrible body image issues. For the first time in my life, through running, I am seeing my body as a capable, useful machine, instead of squishy fat pockets (which mainly only exist in my head).

Honestly, if you don't love racing - don't do it! No one says you have to run events to be a runner.


I've read a lot of blogs searching for answers on how to get faster. Find the magic bullet, you know? One blog said, you just have to run to get better at running. When I set my goal of 25 miles/week, it was just to get the miles in.

You know what? I've improved my speed immensely. I think you just need to put in the miles. Set a weekly target and get them in, even if some of those miles are walking, that's ok!

Big hugs!

fancy nancy said...

Big hugs for you!! I always psych myself out before a race. As the starting time gets closer I start to compare myself with the other runners and think that I have no place being there! It is so much easier I think to motivate others than it is to do it for yourself! I've been told before, "Would you talk to a friend like you talk to yourself?". Easier said than done but you did great!!! You are out there and challenging yourself! Be proud!

misszippy said...

Marissa--I can tell you this is universal, from the smallest, fastest person out there to the biggest/slowest person out there. I run with a big group of women and see every one of us go through this to some degree.

Focus on those positives--you have many! You have already accomplished so much. I don't think you'll ever backslide as a result. You've got this!

hiker mom said...

Everyone deals with these issues. It's not just you. I say run the races for fun and don't worry about your time. As long as you are having fun and being active, who cares about the time. You are doing so much more than so many people and should be proud of yourself for crossing the finish line!

Jen said...

I always stuggle with self confidence around running and I am sure I always will. Why because it is hard for me. I get disappointed often, but then I remind myself how far I have come. I also reflect on my training. Did I train for an A game run, or did I miss runs and train for a C game run. So much to take into account.

Cynthia said...

I struggle with compairing myself to other runners and if I don't do as good as I hoped I am hard on myself. I think what has worked for me is to run some races without a timed goal. Just for the fun of it, no expectations but to have fun and love every step. That has really helped me push a reset button when I'm being to hard on myself.
Also to set a, b and c goals in races helps me feel better when I don't meet my ultimate goal.

I think it's just something we all struggle with but I think you will overcome this and find your balance :)

Laura Boll said...

Why is it that women are so hard on ourselves?! And there's is always somebody faster, smaller, prettier, etc... as others have said, I think everyone deals with this to some extent. Keep focusing on the positive, like you're doing, and let those days come, then shrug them off. Thanks for such an honest post!

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