Friday, February 3, 2012

What "Changes"?

At my heaviest, I remember always feeling trapped...stuck...like I was going to be that way forever.  


But Why?  I had tried diets and they sadly, all failed.  


Hmm, was it because I had set in my mind that I would do that diet for a little while, lose weight and then start eating all those fattening foods that I loved so much?  


I have moments in my life as a fat kid that left an imprint on me and will be there for my entire life like,


I was in high school, we were all celebrating Mother's Day at a very nice brunch.  We were eating, and my cousin who was very picky was only eating a few items and my grandfather looked at her and said, "You better start eating better or you'll end up like her"....WHAT?  Yes, so true.  Sadly, that memory will be with me forever.  I know he loved me, he cared for me but maybe didn't know how to help me, or try to help me?  


Also, when my father was not being the greatest father, I could NOT control his actions but I could control FOOD.  It was easy to open a bag of chips, finish them off and be done.  Right?  I was in control of that.  But I could NOT control him wanting to be at home with my mother and I.  


It was a vicious cycle.  


I'd have fun with my friends, cover emotions with laughter and being the funny girl!  And you better believe I am pretty funny...Ha!  I'd come home, eat like crazy, feel HORRIBLE and most likely, cry myself to sleep and I'd repeat the same thing in my mind, "Tomorrow I'll start".  "I'll wake up and start a new day, a new diet".


I'm not even sure what snapped, but I do know a big moment for me was being asked to stand in my friend, Amy's wedding.  I was in college, at my heaviest and I of course, said yes.  She was my childhood best friend, how could I say no.  A few months passed, we had all planned to meet at David's Bridal to pick out our dresses.  I immediately looked at the other bridesmaids...yep, I was the biggest.  The first dress, strapless, navy blue and actually very pretty.  We picked that right away and then it was time for measurements...YIKES.  I measured a size 24!  WHAT?  There's no way I had done that to myself, right?  Oh it was true.  I had remembered having to have a 8th grade dance dress "made" for myself since I was not the normal-looking 8th grader.  But this was worse, WAY worse.  So, I felt that fitting and cried the entire way back to college.  The entire way.  
I went home, headed out with friends and after going out that night, I came home...looked in the mirror and started to cry, and cry...and cry.  Why?  


I felt sorry for myself, then got ANGRY, very angry.  I had done this.  Nobody else.  Me.  I had let myself get that way.  I was NO longer in control. 
I had to change...I HAD TO CHANGE.  
So, this is where my weight-loss story (at the top of my page) continues...I had just left out all of these dirty secrets.   The excuses I tried to use for my weight battles.  I am in control of my life and I choose EVERY, SINGLE DAY to make healthy choices for myself and my family.  For me.  I want to be healthy, lead a better lifestyle!  I can control that just by simply CHOOSING to be healthy.  To exercise.  To feel good about sweating and burning calories.  I love the feeling of having a "bad day", getting out there, sweating like crazy and then coming home feeling ALIVE!  Totally alive.  It feels so good, why had I never felt that way before...


...and the story continued, about 6-7 months had passed.  I was on a mission to NOT wear that size 24 dress.  And I sure met and exceeded that goal.  I was working out, eating right and FEELING GOOD.  REALLY GOOD.  I had lost quite a bit of weight and it was time for measurements and to try on that 24!  Did it fit?  HECK NO!  I was a size 10!  WHAT?  I measured a 10?  Bummer they had to take that dress in SOOO much?  No way, it felt awesome to have them say..."oh, we're going to have to take this dress in, WAY in!"  


And that was my first, of many goals.  And I continue to set small goals for myself to keep it interesting.  To keep doing things that I never thought possible. There's something SO exhilarating about crossing a half marathon finish line and leaving all of that baggage behind.  


So, if you've made a lifestyle change...what do you think "changes"?  
What made that time different from the other failures?  
I think it's the important question, all of us who struggle with weight should ask ourselves...



7 comments:

fancy nancy said...

Just getting tired of making excuses! I was always heavy growing up and actually went to the other extreme through high school and college. Having my daughter was my wake up call...I needed to find a healthy relationship with food. The thought of my daughter thinking about herself the way I did broke my heart and I vowed to teach her to be healthy and to love herself. The best way I can do that is to lead by example. I'm not perfect but I am conscious of it every day. Amazing story!

Christy J said...

When I couldn't finish a 5K, even walking, with my husband and kids, I knew I'd had enough. I wanted to be an active, healthy mom and family. I started a run/walk program (before I knew about C25K) of my own the next week. I have a picture of that race of my family...and it's my motivation to keep going.

cooperl788 said...

I so understand how you feel, and I love reading your story. I know the turning point for me was having my own mother say how unhealthy I looked. I think your perception of yourself really changes. For a moment, you really glimpse who's on the other side of the mirror, and you want to change that person in the mirror to match the person inside yourself.

Sara said...

Wow. I can so relate to this post. Thank you so much for writing it.

I have struggled with weight my whole life too - up and down; back and forth; heavy, heavier and heaviest; unhealthy, healthy.

I. Want. To. Change. For. Good. And, you're right, only I can make that decision count!

Thank you for the INSPIRATION!

Katie @ Will Race for Carbs said...

Such a great story and you told it very well! I know all too well what it is like to go through being heavy. And now look at us...we run 1/2 marathons! Thanks for sharing your story.

Laura Boll said...

What a great story, good for you! I'm so sorry you had that experience with your grandfather, so often people don't realize how powerful and potentially hurtful their words can be. Way to pull through and decide to make changes-- I think part of the key is wanting it for yourself, not because anyone else is pushing it on you.

Laura Boll said...

One more thing, just tagged you for 11 things, but feel free to skip if you've already been tagged or don't want to do it. :)

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